Aside from screaming at people through car windows, we heads don't get much of a chance to visit with the public. So write me a letter!! I'm getting better at peck-typing with my nose, so you'll see my reply here. (And don't forget to tell me how gorgeous my hair is...I'm a model and I'm sensitive, dammit!) My address is: email@example.com. Do it!!
My latest fan mail:
Subject: Your Hair
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 1999 03:46:27 EDT
The lush, waving, wild wheat fields of Nebraska are the second most sensuous sight in the world. The most sensuous, of course, is your hair, Bridget.
|Bless you, my son... My hair is indeed more glorious & sensuous than the wheatiest of wheat fields. Trouble is, those wheat fields get plowed far more often than I do. Maybe you can remedy that problem for me... Will you be in Arizona soon, hmmm? I promise not to tell Todd!|
|From: "Todd Hovland" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: I think I love you.
Date: Fri, 09 Jul 1999 17:00:18 MDT
I have visited your site so many times. I cannot tell you how many hard times you have gotten me through. I just wanted to make sure that you know you are loved. If you are ever rolling through Denver, look me up. I would love to share butterfly kisses with you. You are the best and only head in a world full of wannabees.
Todd The Wadd.
ps - I signed your guest book today.
|Todd, Todd, Todd... So much devotion from a mere mortal! But of course you worship me so. Blessings flow from my follicles to help all devotees in need. Your silver-tongued speech fills me with...well, lust. My hair is yours for the ravishing! Be gentle with me, though...my hair tends to come out in clumps these days and my neck gets sore real fast. But otherwise I'M YOURS!!!!|
|From: "Freddy F. Gonzales"
Subject: Hi Bridget...
Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 11:13:34 -0700
Well Hello Bridget,
I just wanted to say Hi. I am a former hairstylist and owner of a head too.
I must say she is in a better shape then you but only because she is treated nice. But my treatment towards her came from a scary dream I had while after my first hundred hours of working with her. I dreamt of her head flying through the air chasing me with eyes a glowing and shooting rays from her deadly glare.
She has no name for nothing suited her personality. She is a dark haired beauty, with now silver color in her neck in a shape of a raising sun and silver spots where I saw the rays shoot from. She also has very short hair from a refresher course on hair cutting. I thing she looks more tuffer now than my first meeting of her. My sister had given me two other heads but for some strange reason they never felt right there with my head. I would always come into the shop and find them faced toward the mirrors or thrown on the floor or chairs. I always figured it was my sisters doing but she never confessed to placing them there.
Well I got to go for now, I enjoy reading your web site and maybe one day you and my head will meet to share stories so to say.
Thank you for your time and keep moving.
Hi Freddy! Wow, sounds like you got yourself one hell of a head there, and if you aren't careful she can cause you a lot of trouble, believe me! You may have to perform an exorcism on the bitch to get her in line. Follow these directions exactly and you'll have her right as rain in no time!
Of course, if you insist on living with an evil head in your house, that's totally up to you, but don't blame me if you wake up and she's gnawing on your ankles...
Actually I'd like to meet this head someday, she and Tawny would get along just fine I think!!
|From: "Bridget Devlin"
Subject: From one Bridget to another
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 17:16:00 +1300
From one Blonde Bridget to another....
Isn't it true, Blonde's do have more fun! ( judging from your photo album.. ) I'm just concerned that your not keeping up your old beauty regiment you had as a model, garbage bins definitely don't do for the complexion what a good Lancome moisturiser does, oh well you don't seem to be suffering too much..
Keep up the fun and do try to keep those boys in line!
Blonde Bridget the second!
|Amen to that, sister! The night they tossed me in the
garbage bin was humiliating, but that was nothing compared to what they did with
the catbox. But we won't go into that...
Thanks for the note of encouragement, Bridget! You truly feel my pain!!
|Date: Thu, 04 Feb 1999 11:21:17 -0800
From: "Levi A. Weaver" <email@example.com>
Subject: you suck!
Bridget, your hair is disgusting. It is matted and torn and ragged. You will never be a model, and you should poke your own eyes out with forks.
|What-what-WHAT???? My hair? Torn and ragged? Hello? My
hair is a golden waterfall of brilliance... it's a... glorious cascade of... silky...
um... All right, my hair looks like crap. But it didn't always look that way, just
look at my photo album, Mr. Smarty Pants.
And thanks to those two JERKS who spent a couple of years SWINGING ME BY MY HAIR and BASHING MY FACE AGAINST DASHBOARDS, I may never see my modeling days again... Pity me? Then send money FAST! Don't ask why, just DO IT!
|From: "Richard Barlow"
Subject: Your incredible beauty
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 23:54:10 +1100
hi bridget !
I love your hair , you must share your beauty secrets with the world
one day !
I have a question for you! Have you ever had a physical (you are a head of the world of course ...as well as being unbeleivably talented) relationship with another being ,head or whatever! If so, is oral intercourse your only option?
More Power To The Cranium!!!!!!!!
|My beauty secrets will be revealed to the universe in
my forthcoming book, "The Hair as God: A Head's Journey Through the Salon of
the Soul." It's an account of my spiritual progress in matters of life, the
universe, and hair care. Look for it sometime next year with a cover price of $49.95!
Hey, it comes with its own autographed hairbrush so you know it's worth it!!
But as for my relationships with others... Let's just say that oral is only one of my specialties! Of course I do have a biting problem, which tends to cut most oral encounters short (so to speak), but you'd be surprised what I can do with my neck. Oh yes, my neck can make you squeal like a greased sow! I also have a hole on the bottom of my neck where I used to sit on my stand, so you can draw your own conclusions from that one. I'd be happy to provide photographs, but my owner thinks it's disgusting and won't let me near the QuickCam, that bastard!
POWER TO THE CRANIUM!!!
|Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 20:37:53 +1100
From: Deb <firstname.lastname@example.org>
My friend Robert told me about you and I had to check your web site out. He was right, you have the best head of hair I've eva seen....
But I was just wondering, did you ever have a body? and if not, how do you know you are a 'she'. Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude. It's just that you could be a very pretty boy.
One other question, do you identify as straight, dyke, tranny?
Yours truely devoted,
|Tragically, I have never had a body...but I am going
to stop calling myself a head, now I'm proudly adopting the title of "Cranial
Individual." 5 billion people in the world have bodies, and here I am rolling
around on the carpet and getting kicked by you people with legs...oh the injustice
of it all!
And how DARE you speculate about my sex! I'm 100% sexy blonde hetero WOMAN! I may have no body, but I'm a total female down to my...er, neck. I can prove I'm a woman! Um... OK, I can't exactly prove it, but I do wear lipstick on occasion. And my hair's long and...well, OK, I know guys do that too, but...I'M FEMALE DAMMIT! WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO???
We apologize for Bridget's latest outburst. She's never had her sexuality questioned before, and apparently it's crossed a few wires in that foam brain of hers. She is currently applying thick layers of makeup to her face and trying to squeeze her neck into a pair of high-heels. Rather, a high heel.
|From: SWING35566 <SWING35566@aol.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 23:30:33 EST
wow bridget's my name too. your awesome-you should stick her on a fake body and put her in a car-and then when your at a stop light turn her head all the way around-that would freak me out!
|What makes ya think I haven't done that yet?? Actually I haven't tried it with a fake body, but with a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses, I can scare the hell out of anybody. Of course I hate covering up my gorgeous hair like that, but when the need arises, I'm game...|
Bridget you've got the most beautiful hair I've ever seen in my life!! Haven't I seen you before, in Glamour magazine perhaps? Do you ever get paid to model, or do big companies not appreciate you due to your lack of a body? Tell them your hair has enough body to make up for that and I'm sure you'll get the job.
I wanted to tell you, I have a friend you might like named Venus O'Connor. I used to take her for wild rides in the car, but now she's moved in with me. We don't go anywhere these days; she's become a bit of a homebody (yes she has one) but she's just as fun as ever. However, Bridget, I think she could take some fashion tips from you. First of all, she HAS no hair. She wears this godawful wig thinking she can fool people into believing that she's not bald, and I try to convince her that if she's going to wear a wig, it should at least look nice. But no, Venus likes the brown/blonde streaky rat's nest look. What do you think I should do about this? I've bought a new wig for her, but she refuses to wear it. She doesn't like the way it makes her face look. Also, Bridget, although Venus has very attractive features, she insists on wearing disgusting bright blue eyeshadow and salmon pink lipstick. She says she likes it, so I let her wear it. Her clothes could use a bit of work, too. I know you don't have a body (BE PROUD! You are one of the few!!), but Venus does and the clothes she chooses are hideous! She has no arms or legs, but every day, all she wants to wear is this tacky green polyester shirt with pink paisley print. You should see it! Bridget, I know you would die. Seems to me you've got impeccable taste. However, despite Venus's fashion afflictions, she's a delightful gal and I think the two of you would get along well! Drop her a line, if you like.
Such flattery!! My hair is positively tingling with delight! This is a guy who knows how to treat a head right, I tell ya!
Well, your friend Venus sounds like a god-awful mess. The first thing I suggest you do is slap her silly. This woman needs it! Anyone who refuses to cover their rat's nest hairdo with a wig has serious mental problems. I suggest sneaking up on her while she's sleeping and stapling a wig to her skull. She may protest, but it's all for her own good.
As for her makeup, ya can't do much about that...unless you're comfortable using sandpaper to remove it. That's something else she might not like...
So she's just a torso, eh? Sounds like even with a torso she's about as attractive as a road accident. Get that torso to a clothes store FAST! With all that green polyester and paisley print, she's lucky not to have kids whacking her with sticks like some kind of human pinata! And believe me, that ain't fun.
Venus sounds like someone I can relate to, with no arms or legs. We gals with missing appendages need to stick together! (Well, not literally of course...)
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 01:20:13
I am your #1 fan. Do you have a boyfriend, and if not would you be interested in a guy like me?
So you think you can handle a head like me, do ya? I have so many men waiting for my...whatever in marriage that frankly I'm losing patience. Finding someone who knows what it's like to be a head is damn near impossible!
So, Mr. Courtship, just answer one question for me. Do you have a body? I thought so.
We apologize for Bridget's latest outburst. She's been on a man-hunt lately, and she was just turned down by someone who used to model clothes in the window at Woolworth's. Needless to say, she's sticking strictly to heads from now on.
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1997 06:39:44
dear people or heads or something,
i am not in the mood to write to a plastic head but then again who is ever in the mood to write to a plastic head, and oh yeah i forgot the beautiful hair part. what i wanted to say is, you guys are really hilarious. if i would have thought about it i would have done this along time ago. i don't really have a subject, just letting you know that it was a pleasure visiting your awsome site, if you want email me back at email@example.com.
You sweet-talker, you! And you even remembered to mention my hair, unlike SOME people who write me...
We're glad you like the site! We just hope you aren't laughing at the many abuses us heads face at the hands of these two nitwits. As long as you're properly outraged at such blatant disregard for the rights of the body-less, you're all right with us!!
HEAD POWER! YEAHHHHH!!!
|Date: Sun, 28 Aug 1997 02:42:07
From: "Shmoo _____
Save money on diapers. Use trash bags and duct tape.
|How creative! You'd never see THAT in a Heloise column, would ya??|
Date: Sun, 29 Jun 1997 08:09:16
Dear Ms Bridget-
My name is Barbie and I am a SuperModel. Attached is a photo of me. As you can see, I have beautiful legs, miraculous pointy tits, but my hair is a disaster! Please, oh Sacred Spirit of Figurines everywhere, pronounce upon a cure for my hair woes.
(ps: you can also see some of my fashion no-nos at http://www.visi.com/~jessica/ )
See ya there Sweetie...
I hate you, Barbie. I can't believe you had the nerve to e-mail me, you blonde plastic slut. You and your house and your car and your hair and your boyfriend and your purse and your pony and your bicycle and your hair and your makeup and your doggy and your beach home and your hair... You make me SICK!
I resent the fact that you have such a perfect body and I barely even have a neck. You're so famous and played with by little girls around the world, and here I am, gorgeous hair and all, just a head being kicked around by a couple of losers!!
Take your hair and shove it, Miss Famous Doll With A Body! And don't ever e-mail me again or I'll send Smack-Child over to bite your cheap plastic arms off!!!
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 17:56:30
Have you seen the orbital video with the removable heads. I instantly thought of you and wondered why your beauty wasn't used as the centerpiece for this video?
Okay, so I saw it on comedy central, but so what.
|These people obviously don't have any inkling of my talent.
You know what? They actually contacted me for this video! I said "Yeah, I'll
do it... but ya gotta pay me $50,000 up front, and I want a year of free hair
care." I wanted more but I just wanted to be reasonable, you know. And what
happened? They told me to go...do something to myself that I obviously can't do!
Can you believe that? How utterly rude! Me, the biggest up-and-coming head talent
in the country, and they shafted me just like that.
I'm a talented head, dammit, and I won't stand for this kind of rude treatment!! I'm planning to sue for emotional damages. I haven't been able to watch music videos since without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably, which isn't exactly the best thing for the carpet. Tragic.
|Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 18:24:01
From: Troy W. Mead
A quick question: Have you ever had a squirrel entangled in your hair? This happened once in a dream about my cousin.
Um....... Uuummmmmmm.... . . . . .
Nope, no squirrels. But I did have a horrible nightmare about a bunch of jealous models flinging their bubble gum into my hair all at the same time. It was so awful! I had to hack these knotted-up wads of gum out of my hair and I was going around with these big glaring bald spots and everyone was laughing at me and kicking me around and calling me Bubbalicious and OH MY GOD YOU'RE NOT CHEWING GUM ARE YOU GET AWAY FROM ME DON'T HURT MY HAIR MY BEAUTIFUL BLONDE GORGEOUS HAIR PLEASE!!!
Webmaster note: we apologize for Bridget's behavior, as she is very sensitive about her hair and any suggestion of harm to it tends to make her a little...er, whacked. In the future, we suggest that people kindly refrain from any reference to hair difficulties. Thank you.
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 14:59:47
Loved you in you Wurld debut on King of the Hill! Your hair was great and your acting! Formidable!
The romantic scenes with Bobby really showed your range.
I hope that was a double that ended up being destroyed, but, knowing the bastards who own you, I somehow doubt it.
Anyway, thanks for the memories. I'll be looking forward to many more performances in the future, Keep us informed!
|Hi Jim! I was good, wasn't I? I didn't enjoy kissing
the kid, but hey...a head's gotta make a living. My owners didn't let me do my own
stunts for the table-saw scene though, they used a head double. I coulda earned some
danger pay for that, dammit! They kick me around all the time, even down the stairs
and stuff, but will they let me get sawed in half? No!
You can catch my next appearance in an off-Broadway play about the French Revolution. Only thing is, they don't give me any lines! They just told me to lay in this basket for a while. It's in some kind of mob scene with a trial and everything. Should be fun!!
Date: Sat, 17 May 1997 10:02:08
Ever since I first encountered your beautiful presence I have been infatuated by thoughts of you. I have gradually come to realise that I am a mannequins Head trapped in a Man's body. What Should I do.
Well, now! Here's the kind of mail I like--a person who is properly worshipful of my hair! Flattery will get you everywhere...
You, sir, are a total freak. But I will help you anyway. What you need to do is consult a psychic and get in touch with your Inner Head. Normally this kind of thing is repressed by what we heads call the Body Self, but deep down, everyone has an Inner Head who is begging for attention. Talk with it, have tea with it, mentally fling it out car windows if you are so inclined. But listen to the wisdom of the Inner Head, for it can bring you great happiness.
Of course, if it tells you to cut your head off and roam free, you may want to consider shutting it up.
Date: Wed, 07 May 1997 18:25:16
God Bridget, like everywhere I turn there are references to you. You have become an total icon in American pop culture. And all because of your fabulous hair.
Anyway, having got that out of the way, I found this Bridget reference in the book "The Male Cross-Dresser Support Group" by Tama Janowitz:
"When I got closer I saw -- as the bag blew back and forth -- that it appeared to be a cleverly fabricated mannequin head, complete with bloody neck-stump, that must have been used in some horror movie or purchased at an elaborate specialty shop. To my left a car horn blared, startling me; I darted forward and snatched the hefty bag, and then turning around held it up to Abdhul in the car and with my free hand gave him a wave. What a find! I knew he would love the head, which if purchased new might have cost hundreds of dollars, and could show it to his friend, if he ever had any...."
Later on we read... (actually after I read this I called your friend and mine James C. and read him this passage and his reaction was the same as mine -- "Bridget!")
... "'Look in the bag,' I suggested as a temporary stopgap amusement. There was a pause and then he screamed; his two little paws grabbed me around the neck and tried to strangle me. 'My God, get your fucking hands off me!' I said. 'Do you have a death wish? What are you doing?' He was apparently trying to crawl into the front like a deranged cat. I had to drive with one hand and pry his hands frew with my other, which only caused him to cover up my eyes. 'There's a head in the bag! There's a head!' he said.
Out of the corenr of my view I saw the exit ramp and slowe dthe car, turning off. Somehow I got his hands away and after turning right at the bottom managed to come to a halt at the red traffic light. I turned in my seat and gave him a shove that sent him flying across the backseat. "It's not a head, it's not a head," I said. "It's one of those things from a joke shop or a horror movie, dummy. You can use it to fool your friends. Those things cost hundreds of dollars."
"It's not," he said. "It's real"
"How do you know, Abdhul?" I said patronizlingly.
"There are bugs in it that are moving," he said.
"What kind of bugs," I said.
"White bugs," he said. "With eyes. And it's dripping blood onto the floor."
This did seem to corroborate his opinion. "Oh," I said. There was a pause while the light turned gree. "Which way do I go now, Abdhul?" I said."
Of course this goes on and on. And there are a few more head incidents. At present the head is floating in a hot tub. Which is how I like to think of you Bridget, floating in a hot tub enjoying the life of luxury. Although it's scarey to think: What if you are a real human head?
|Well, Ken...um, thanks for sharing that...interesting
story with us. [memo to myself: Ken may be obsessed with my gorgeous looks--be friendly,
yet cordially distant] But YES, my hair is glorious, as you mentioned earlier. And
I have been spending a lot of time floating in the spa recently, I've been so tense
since Tawny decided to take up primal scream therapy last month. But you'll never
really know if I'm real or not, will you?? We just keep popping up everywhere--books,
movies, T.V., car windows...
The story about the head in the bag is interesting, 'cause that's how my owners used to carry Tawny and I around. They had a blue duffel-bag, and that's how they were able to sneak us out of the apartment. (They used to use a big green towel, but sometimes I'd peek out at someone and they didn't like that too much.) And have you heard of this new movie called "Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag"? We've been ripped off!! I want royalties now!!
Date: Mon, 05 May 1997 09:32:52
I like, thought of you yesterday, no it was Saturday, which just goes to show how all my days just blend in to each other.
Anyway, I was in the used record store waiting for the lazy cashier to ring up my purchases (I actually found used copies of Tracy Ullman, Bryan Ferry's Boys and Girls and a Berlin cassette) and there was this notice for the head of a dog. Like, one of those annoying little dogs that you see and think to yourself how easy it would be to break their little legs. So I was reading it and it went on and on and on about these people who were searching for the head of their dog. I thought of you instantly and almost turned you in as the culprit -- but I didn't.
So, like, have you seen Romy and Michele's High School Reunion? Are you and Tawny going to your high school reunion. Oh, that's right you two are beauty school drop outs.
|You think that's funny? Making me into a criminal?? I've
never committed a crime in my life! Well, there was that one time when Tawny and
I held up a hair salon and demanded all their combs, but that was Tawny's idea. She
swore it was legal, and since she's usually the one in trouble with the law I thought
she'd know best. But I would never steal a dog head, though it might make a great
pet. No messes to clean up, at least.
And we are NOT drop-outs!!! Those two guys stole us before we could complete our training to become Master Hair Technicians. This world is so cruel to cranial individuals.
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 1997 20:41:46
dear miss bridget-
as you know iu hve plastic hanss so thiss may get messy but i fink that i haft a sppelin checkre.
please consider that this is offishil nostrilfication that i who am now typing am the eral smack child. all previous thingsd thart haft been sayed about me so far are total fabricifications of me. i amnot at all assocaited with whomsoever has set up a hotmail account claiming to be me and menacing you.
i think that you are a icon of opperessed figarines everywear and a lovely hed and that together we must plan out escape to the ufos. i wisdh oneday to lovingly brush your beautiful long locks and as you are body changelled you cuold sit on my arm and we would be like one beast with two lovwly heads. and then we could escape to thje ufos.
anyway i haft to hide again before they come home from teh place taht tehy go. please send me a sceret medsage to help me to ecscape but not to riotdrrl2hotmail as i supsect taht tihs may be an i mpostr- maybe even taht nasty tawny
love form the very nice
nb i cant make the meese touch the sepplecheker wtih my amrs
|You don't fool me, you evil little... but wait. Could
this be true? Could the real Smack-Child be an innocent victim of e-mail fraud? No!
She's trying to trick me, yeah...she wants my blood!! But what if... oh damn, I can't
figure this stuff out. I mean, she could be telling the truth, but who is sending
me all this hate-mail? I'm losing my hair over this. No! I know her too well...she's
evil down to the foam in her mushy little legs. But she seems so nice now. What if
she's just toying with me? And what if...
Webmaster note: We apologize for not presenting Bridget's full reply, but this crap goes on for several more pages and we just don't have the patience. Sorry.
The first thing I'd like to say is that I can't believe that I am writing to a disembodied head.
The second thing I'd like to say is that those guys you hang with treat you really rough. I think you should find a place of your own. You must make good money as a model. I've known a few and they were by no means poor. So, get out of there and away from those hooligans who are treating you like garbage (literally, from what I've seen.)
Leaving these guys will give you the chance to be rid of that Smack-Child, too. The little bitch!
I understand that the sparks fly between you and Tawny, too. You don't need that crap. Get out of there. No one should have to put up with that sort of attitude. (She even looks like a bitch.)
If you need a place to stay. You can stay with me. I live in the Los Angeles area not far from the beach. So you can get out of that hot Arizona sun (summer is on the way, you know) and spend your days at the beach.
You looked good in your Xena mode. The frizzy look becomes you.
|[Bridget originally responded to this letter, we think, but somehow it was lost to the sands of time... In other words, something got screwed up!]|