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Studies show that only 80% of homosexuals were born that way.  The other 20% were sucked into it.

Welcome to the Conspiracy!

 
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Some nutty non-gay people have certain ideas about homosexuals. They think we're out to destroy family values, pervert their kids, destroy their churches, convert their parents, and dress their pets up in fluffy pink sweaters. Basically they think homosexuals are the embodiment of all that is evil in the world, working secretly and diligently to untie the shoelaces of society and watch the chaos unfold. Well, just between us girls...they're right. We are a vast underground network of disco fags, dykes, queers, lezbos, leatherboys, daddy bears, transsexuals, bushbangers, buttslammers, trisexuals, beastmasters, vegisexuals, and former attorney generals.

And we're taking over.

Welcome to the Conspiracy. We mean you no harm...
All we want is to turn this Earth into one big

disco party planet!!

 
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This conspiracy is sponsored by...


Rid your home of pesky heterosexuals
FAST!

Do those straight friends, family, and neighbors keep dropping by at the most inappropriate times? Is it just getting too inconvenient to have heteros in the house, stinking it up with their unfashionable clothes and cheap fragrances while they watch sports and country music videos on your T.V.? Then you need a squirt (or two!) of Straight-B-Gone. Within minutes your home will be clean, fresh, and completely hetero-free for hours on end! Several lovely fragrances are available: Potpourri, Godiva Chocolate, Fresh Granola, Nightclub Sweat, and Sweaty Leather.

You can find Straight-B-Gone in quality supermarkets. If your store doesn't carry it, slap the manager and demand it!

 
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Control of all gyms & salons

The gyms and salons will be OURS!!! We practically OWN the gyms already. But once we have complete control of all hair design and bodybuilding facilities, nothing can stop us from being the most well-built and bleached cultural terrorists on the planet! FEAR OUR PEROXIDE!!!!

 


All schools in our clutches

Our efforts to infiltrate the educational system and convert innocent children to our evil lifestyle are well-known. The wacko Religious Right is on to us, but nobody really believes them. And thanks to some fabulously subversive literature, your children are already on their way to complete fagdom! Books such as "Daddy's New Wife Timothy", "Mommy's Little Rubber Friend", and "Billy's Special Communion" are on the shelves of nearly every elementary school library, not to mention pamphlets like "The Pagan Primer" and the award-winning "Fun Games for Summer Camp". Streisand tunes are being rehearsed by school bands, and Klaus Nomi is being sung in choirs all over the country. You can't run from us... YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE OURS!!!

 


Churches converted to nightclubs

Christians beware! Your places of worship will be no more by the end of 2002. Over the past 20 years our highly-trained (yet innocent-looking) technicians have been busy installing elaborate sound systems in your churches. Yes, the sound systems used for your wussy guitar-picking and off-key hymn singing will be used for a higher purpose when WE are in charge. In a few short years those speakers will suddenly cease blaring the ear-wrenching sounds of your mooshy, touchy-feely gospel songs. They will instead be blaring all the ultra-hip disco hits, throbbing electronica, and leg-kickin' showtunes that flow through the veins of every homosexual in the world. Ever heard "Cabaret" selections played on a church organ? YOU WILL!!!

This has been one of our goals for centuries: the utter destruction of the heterosexual family unit. A husband, a wife, and 2.5 kids? Enjoy it while you can, hetero perverts! Thanks to our recruitment efforts, more and more of your marriages are falling apart as husbands and wives are seduced to the Dark Side. And your grandparents are next. BEWARE OUR AGENTS OF TEMPTATION!!!


Hetero marriages destroyed

 
Key officials in Washington are already under our thumb. (Hint: our top operative, "Ms. X", wears big square glasses and burns Texas churches just 'cause she feels like it.) More and more homosexual politicians are getting elected into office around the country, and by 2004 we hope to have at least 95% of them converted to our evil ways. The media is our willing accomplice in this, exposing the scandals of hetero officeholders but conveniently ignoring the workings of our homo brethren. COWER IN FEAR, GULLIBLE VOTER!!!


Politicians under control

 
This is the year when our goals will be reached!! America will be successfully transformed into the world's first Gay Paradise...virtually a nationwide Fire Island. The flag will be redesigned with pink stripes and 50 paisley swirls, and the national symbol will no longer an eagle--it will be transformed into a fluffy white poodle named Bruce. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT, HETERO SCUM!!!!


Conquest complete.
Time for shopping!

 

"Now, what wine goes
with world conquest?"

 
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The progress of Operation: GoGurl

 
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  Our efforts to turn anyone and everyone gay have been going on for countless centuries. Sure, we've managed to convert a few hundred thousand through time, but it just wasn't enough for a proper conspiracy. We needed to band together, to engage in an all-out orgy of organization. Operation: GoGurl was officially started in the 1960's during the Get-High-And-Fuck-Anything-That-Moves movement. As a result, a lot of people came out of the 60's queer as a $3 bill, and the organized recruitment effort began with a flourish and a twirl! Since then we've had many successes and many failures as well. Let's take a look, shall we?

A detailed examination of our U.S. recruitment data shows that the 80's were our most popular era to date. Approximately 80% of the population was converted to the gay lifestyle during that decade, whether they knew it or not.  Unfortunately, as we approached the 90's, many of our new recruits had slipped back into their disgusting hetero habits. This is due mainly to the appearance of grunge music, the election of another promise-breaking President, and RuPaul.

In 1999 we face our lowest gay-count yet, with just 12% of the population converted. We must redouble our efforts and bring the dissenters back to the flock! Our operatives are busy infiltrating our government and others around the world at this very moment, and with enough lobbying and outright terrorist action on hair salons everywhere, we predict a steep rise in the number of conversions--not only in the U.S., but globally.

 

 
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A few subversive activities for those who don't have time to pervert entire cultures on their own

 
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Drive-by slappings. Every hetero needs to be slapped once in a while, right girls? Well, what are you waiting for? Slap one at random! Break his sporty sunglasses if you can. Then RUN (or saunter) like the wind. It will teach them that we're everywhere, lurking, waiting to strike at any moment!
   
Heckle in church. When the sanctity of marriage is mentioned during a sermon, laugh out loud! When there is talk of abominations and pillars of salt, ask for a visual demonstration of sodomy! Ask the preacher if Joseph's many-colored coat was made by Versace! And don't forget to visit Sunday School and ask the teacher to tell the kids the epic story "Adam & Steve and the Great Spitting Serpent".
   
Engage in harder-than-normal ass slapping with your manly buddies. Hetero guys (or guys who put on a good show of being hetero) love plenty of physical contact with each other. A slap on the ass, an arm thrown around the shoulder, a big manly bearhug, or even a good firm handshake...these things typically occur during manly activities, such as watching football or hunting furry animals. So just exaggerate these things the next time they're done to you! Shake his hand tighter and longer than usual, looking deep into his eyes. Throw your arm around his shoulder and give it a knowing squeeze. And most importantly, slap his butt and hold on. Not only will he question your manliness, but he's bound to question his own as well.
Encourage your hetero friends to give their children obvious gay names such as Drew, Shane, Damon, Cody, Seth, Bruce, Rod, Rosie, Janet, Paula, and Ellen. This will practically guarantee that the children will turn out gay. Do you honestly know anyone named Seth who isn't totally queer? It's all in the name, baby!!
   
Pressure your local colleges and universities to offer classes such as Streisand 101, Advanced Bette Davis Studies, Fashion Essentials, Interior Decorating Lab, and History of Showtunes. Demand that their music programs include studies of disco and electronica, then offer to take the class on "field trips" to places like Hole in the Wall and The Mouthful. (But avoid the elitist snobbery of Club Universe. That's the last thing you need.)
   
Sue your employer for discrimination because it doesn't support your choice to wear leather thongs and nipple clamps to work. Call it "the suppression of your unique lifestyle" and get them for every penny. Then take your new money and spend it on silk bedsheets and tofu!
   
Cut glory holes in confessionals. Need we say more?  (Yes, I'm probably going to Hell for that.)
 
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Become a member of the Great Conspiracy and join our cause! Take the Oath and instantly become one of the few, the proud, the swishy! Repeat the following a dozen times, or until your lisp is sharp enough to cut glass.


I pledge allegiance to the rainbow flag of the Liberated Inter-Sexual Peoples (L.I.S.P.). May my clothes be trendy, my lisp be sharp, and my house be exquisitely decorated with all the latest designs and styles. I pledge my everlasting love to Streisand, Armani, Barbra, Godiva, Madonna, and Erasure. My tastes shall accommodate nothing but the finest wines, the slimmest cigarettes, the most adorable Ricky Martin clones, and the homeliest drag queens. 10% of my income shall be spent in expensive gyms and hair salons to achieve the required buff 'n' bleached look. 30% of my time shall be spent at dance clubs, leather bars, and high-class dinner parties to achieve the required social status. And 75% of my conversation shall revolve around waist size, chest size, length, circumference, cut/uncut, shoe size, income level, and when next week's soiree is. And above all else, I shall treat my fellow homosexual conspirator with the utmost respect--unless he just lost weight, in which case he's a total bitch. To these principles I do swear. Fabulous!!

Congratulations, you are now an official member of L.I.S.P. and part of the great Conspiracy. We congratulate you and hope the evil you spread in the world knows no bounds!!

 
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Send your comments, praise, and hate mail to homoconspiracy@totalobscurity.com.

 

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