10/11/99

Oh, it's you again
Your presence fills the air like
A fart at sunrise

10/12/99

Just watched "Titanic"
And had no intermission
My ass hurts like hell

10/13/99

Telemarketers
And stinky little dung beetles...
Can't tell them apart

10/14/99

Beautiful grass fields
Brighten up the city scene
Bulldozed for parking

10/15/99

Oh this room smells like
A dead platypus rotting
Damn you, Taco Bell

10/18/99

Postcard from a friend
He drank the water in Spain
What an idiot.

10/19/99

In San Diego
I got sunburned, it flakes
Like the Himalayan snows

10/20/99

Tiny leprechauns
Dancing on both my nipples...
That's it, no more crack!

10/21/99

Is the glass half full?
Or is the glass half empty?
The glass is too big.

10/22/99

Maybe we're just turds
Floating in the great commode
Of the universe

10/25/99

Trying to escape
The stench of your coffee breath
This is office hell

10/26/99

I took a big frog
Up to the top of the stairs
Perhaps he will bounce

10/27/99

In the car ahead
A bimbo checks her makeup
At every light

10/28/99

The drive-thru bonehead
Has the brain of a titmouse
*SMACK* with my tire iron!

10/29/99

Three dorks in the woods
Run from the unseen danger
And make millions

11/2/99

Vacantly staring
She reads the nightly newscast
Peroxide robot

11/3/99

So transparent are
All the beautiful people
I see right through them

11/4/99

Smothered with cheddar
Or dunked in zesty ranch dip
Wondrous broccoli

11/5/99

I saw Mickey Mouse
Printed on a Happy Meal
My cookies were tossed

11/6/99

Whither Michael J.?
His pale zombie skin and his
Swappable noses

11/9/99

The zit exploded
With the force of a small bomb
Must clean the mirror

11/10/99

Foolishly I napped
With my contact lenses in
Now they're stuck like glue

11/11/99

The old man knelt down
Clutching a bag of bran flakes
And worshipped the squid

11/12/99

They say that bugs are
Healthy sources of protein.
Oh look, there's a roach...

11/15/99

Floaters are good luck
Sinkers are a bad omen
Read the bowl with care

11/16/99

(Guest poem by Scott, written in the 7th grade!)

When the bomb blows up
Your blood splatters all over
Leaving a big mess.

11/17/99

Meet Jesse Jackson,
The defender of hoodlums
Now he is one too.

11/18/99

Maybe those bran flakes
Are really just dandruff from
Some big hairy guy

11/19/99

Dogs may have owners
But those with cats know well that
Cats only have staff

11/22/99

Something deep inside
Is gnawing away at me
Hey, where's my gerbil?

11/23/99

I clicked on the mouse
To retrieve my special file
It's gone...damn Windows

11/24/99

Something knocked me out
On the special day of thanks
Good old tryptophane

11/25/99

I'll be out of town
For the holiday until
Monday. No haikus!!

11/29/99

Why would somebody
Say you're the most special, then
Shred you with silence?

11/30/99

Steel blood is flowing
Through concrete veins as first light
Bleeds into the sky

12/1/99

Toasted perfection
Smeared with fattening cream cheese
O holy bagel

12/3/99

The Christmas robots
Now have their shopping orders
They'll buy what they're told

12/7/99

What's up with NASA?
Expensive probe bites the dust
Who's really surprised?

12/8/99

I bought a bagel
With onions and garlic, OH!
Now my breath peels paint

12/9/99

Single-driver cars
Cruising in the carpool lane...
Road rage justified

12/10/99

Beware the mullet
Lurking on the heads of hicks
With peach-fuzz faces

12/13/99

To the gym they go
Fitness fascists in action
Image is their world

12/14/99

Is it me, or do
Crustaceans resemble
Gigantic insects?

12/15/99

T.V. church robot
Shoots judgments my way, but I
Dance on Vaseline

12/16/99

Dinner at Sea World:
Dolphin steaks and seaweed stew
With tuna pudding

1/3/00

Sixteen hundred miles
And twenty-three long hours
Many snack-food meals

1/5/00

Crossed the Fremont Bridge
Into the hippy village
Chai tea, I am yours

1/8/00

Stupid mistakes made
In jealousy and heartbreak
Stain the soul with guilt

1/10/00

Hot dogs microwaved
For a few seconds too long
Make a meaty mess

1/14/00

Love's a pesky thing
It can stick to you much like
Shit to a blanket

1/17/00

One of Randy's cats
Yakked up dinner on the floor
I suspect Shiva

1/21/00

Not a lovely thought:
Your fast food hamburger was
Sneezed upon and served

1/28/00

Big round purple tube
Mixed with water and fire
Smoke begins to rise

1/30/00

Big guys with no necks
Have childish fights on the grass
Superbowl Sunday

1/31/00

Megatons of poo
From the very dawn of time
Pushed by dung beetles

2/6/00

It's an addiction
That has conquered millions
They call it eBay

2/12/00

At Sonja's party
Tragedy struck in the form
Of wax on carpet

2/23/00

The workaholic
Trades his friends for work hours
Crater for a soul

3/6/00

T.V. Guide Awards
Wasted airtime for groups of
Vacuous nitwits

3/7/00

Amazon.com
Pays me to work in Toyland
It's a Barbie hell

3/15/00

Guest goth haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold:

I must wear all black
and use all the eyeliner
Have you seen my ankh?

4/7/00

Guest haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold:

I do hate the mall
I wish that it would blow up
Why do people breed?

4/18/00

Guest haiku submitted by Michael Chance:

so damn annoying
bad spelling on a website
really
berns my shorts

4/25/00

Guest haiku submitted by Janet Streiner:

Pretty
computers
Tasty new colors and shapes
Don't affect function

5/2/00

Seatmate on the bus
Reeks of cigars and dried sweat
I'm trapped in smell hell

5/5/00

Long-legged spider
Lurking up in the corner
The bastard must die!

5/18/00

Farted on the bus
Bus seats do not conceal sound
Several heads turned

6/21/00

A dozen yuppies
Standing in line at Starbucks
Caffeine-drugged robots

8/5/00

I need new haikus
I'm too lazy to write them
Oh wait, never mind...

8/13/00

Guest haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold:

Flowers are pretty
Cemeteries have them cheap
Me, going to hell?