Polls on totalobscurity.com between 1998-2000

 

6/20/00

Pro

Con

  • Cute
  • Continues the family line
  • Gives meaning to many peoples' lives
  • Hopefully takes care of you when you get old
  • Increases government welfare benefits
  • Makes a great pawn in divorce negotiations
  • Lasts longer than a pet
  • Noisy
  • Stinky
  • Expensive
  • Completely defenseless
  • Not very conversational
  • Has "toiletry issues"
  • Eats like a pig
 

PRO  (289) 40%
CON  (418) 59%

Not amused? Click here...

 

5/22/00
Some confused people out there believe it's possible to 'convert' homosexuals into regular ol' heteros. What's the best method of doing this?


Country and rap music 24 hours a day.  (71)

9%

Ass and crotch scratching lessons.  (94)

12%

Year-round football immersion.  (40)

5%

Wife-beating lessons in appropriate attire (white tank-top, blue jeans, mullet).  (101)

13%

Forced votes for Republicans.  (52)

6%

Mandatory subscriptions to 'Sports Illustrated' and 'Maxim'.  (91)

11%

Kidnapping and relocation to the Bible Belt.  (104)

13%

Pastels in wardrobe replaced with dull, dead-looking yuppie Earth tones.  (41)

5%

Disco depravation!  (77)

10%

Total Votes: 761

 

NOTE:  The results for this poll aren't available due to a dumb technical problem.  But the questions are as probing as ever!

4/3/00
As you've probably seen, the latest Census probes deeper into your private life than ever.  Which one of these questions did they forget to include?
 

Do you fold or wad your toilet paper before wiping? ??
How many times per week do you flare your nostrils? ??
Do you have stretchmarks as a result of childbirth? If so, do they make you feel unattractive? ??
What percentage of your utility bill is attributed to AC adult toys? ??
What is your exact gray-hair-to-regular-hair ratio? ??
Do your children emit noxious odors? If so, describe the odors in 30 words or less. ??
How many times per year do you buy canteloupe, and do you thump them before making a purchase? ??
What is the average length of time required for your toilet tank to refill after a flush? ??
How much money did you spend last year on Ritalin for the kids? ??

 

3/6/00
Barbra Streisand is charging $1500 per ticket at her recent shows, despite her frequent attacks on the rich for having too much money. What do you think this woman plans to do with all of THIS money?


Run for President in the Self-Important Rich Twits Party (79)

13%

Take up the ancient art of champagne colonics (36)

6%

Donate it to a fund to save the endangered Wild Speckled Feathered Horned Green-Tailed Desert Sperm Whale (64)

10%

Pay someone a million bucks to marry her on live T.V. (62)

10%

Start her own line of perfumes: 'Yentl No. 5' (33)

5%

Buy one of Michael Jackson's old noses (97)

16%

Make a large donation to the Fund for Terminally Stupid Fans (72)

12%

Rhinoplasty, baby! (124)

20%

Total Votes: 610

 

2/29/00
After all this 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' and 'Who wants to marry a millionaire?' crap on T.V. dies down, what do you think they'll try next?


Who Wants To Marry A Total Prick? (93)

10%

Who Wants To Be A Welfare Queen? (102)

11%

Who Wants To Die Rich and Lonely? (46)

5%

Who Wants To Get Their Nipples Buffed? (89)

10%

Who Wants To Punch Barbra Streisand? (124)

14%

Who Wants To Eat A Dog Turd? (57)

6%

Who Wants To Sleep With Hillary? (98)

11%

Who Wants To Adopt A Romanian Baby? (34)

4%

Who Wants To Watch A Fat Guy Take A Dump? (174)

19%

Total Votes: 910

 

12/20/99
What's the most annoying thing about the show 'Ally McBeal'?


Ally purses her weird-looking salmon lips every 10 seconds. (104)

22%

The soundtrack consists of classic rock tunes re-sung by some chick and they sound exactly alike. (40)

9%

One of the characters actually stutters like Porky Pig when he gets agitated. (8)

2%

Georgia hates more people than Pat Buchanan. (14)

3%

Ally keeps having psychotic visions of dancing infants, herself as a child, mythical animals, and God knows what else they DON'T show...and she follows their advice. (53)

11%

The most important discussions between the characters tend to happen in the restroom, sometimes even when someone's on the crapper. (36)

8%

Ally is never happy. With anything or anyone. Ever. (97)

21%

That damned dancing baby. (112)

24%

Total Votes: 464

 

12/6/99
Which clown would you rather have at your child's birthday party?


Spanky the Daddy Clown (90)

11%

Pimply the Zitbuster (29)

4%

Brimstone the Preachin' Fool (33)

4%

Bootsy the Pierced Punk (93)

12%

Freddy Fetus and his Magical Uterus (132)

17%

Candyass the Pansy (149)

19%

Shiva the Destroyer Clown (129)

16%

Beelzebozo (135)

17%

Total Votes: 790

 

11/22/99
What's the hottest new Pokemon?


Ubichyu (115)

15%

Jigglyflab (67)

9%

Coksuka (122)

15%

Didjuqueef (77)

10%

Smokindacrack (200)

25%

Yurmomya (21)

3%

Aykarumba (30)

4%

Skankiho (156)

20%

Total Votes: 788

 

11/7/99
Now that "The Blair Witch Project" is on video and everyone has seen it, what's your final judgment?


It sucked ass!! (290)

30%

Great promotion, but not as good as I was expecting. (140)

14%

Not for effects buffs, but scary as hell. (101)

10%

I thought Heather was an annoying turd. Otherwise it was great! (115)

12%

An absolute ripoff from beginning to end. (85)

9%

People who hated it were expecting too much. (111)

11%

You guys are entertained by anything! (72)

7%

I was so scared I wet my pants in front of my girlfriend. (63)

6%

Total Votes: 977

 

9/27/99
What's the most romantic place to have sex?


On the wing of a plane. (44)

3%

On a bed...of nails. (35)

2%

While riding the world's tallest rollercoaster. (98)

7%

In the middle of the baboon cage at the zoo. (65)

5%

While skydiving over New York City. (110)

8%

On the 50-yard line during the Super Bowl. (157)

11%

In a shark cage during feeding time. (43)

3%

Anywhere that has a floor, baby! (889)

62%

Total Votes: 1441

 

9/20/99
Millions of teenage girls spend countless hours fantasizing about Ricky Martin, who is obviously the Stud of the Century. What's YOUR Ricky Martin fantasy, girlfriend?


Oh, he's so cute I wanna twist his corporate-owned head off like a bleached bottle cap! (53)

9%

I wanna strap that hunk to the front of a cross-country bus in the middle of winter! (22)

4%

Oh yeah? Well, I wanna dip him in gravy and throw him in a cage with Rosie and Oprah! (104)

18%

Like, I wanna send him to a proctologist with poor depth perception! (74)

13%

That's cool, girlfriend, but I wanna put piranhas in that hunk's hot tub! (19)

3%

No, silly! I think someone should slip a heavy laxative into his drink just before his first performance in front of the President! (130)

22%

Ricky who? (176)

30%

Total Votes: 578

 

9/13/99
Which conspiracy is most likely to be true?


The Spice Girls were a successful attempt on the behalf of British government to lower our standards to absolute gutter levels. (142)

16%

Elvis faked his death and had plastic surgery so he could run for President in the 1990's. (56)

6%

All the footage of astronauts walking on the moon was actually shot in the backyard of some guy in Arizona. (163)

18%

Bananas aren't really fruit. They're actually alien larvae which use humans as hosts. (79)

9%

The builders of the pyramids were all employees of the ancient Egyptian tourism committee. (50)

6%

Ronald McDonald is not the harmless jokester he pretends to be. He is actually Pennywise the Clown, and he eats little children. (317)

35%

Total Votes: 907

 

9/6/99
Adam Sandler is known for his incredibly versatile acting abilities. What's in store for his next movie?


He talks funny and sings a goofy song. (35)

5%

He punches a guy in the face, then talks funny. (28)

4%

He screams, talks funny, then beats the snot out of someone. (55)

8%

He attacks an old man, talks funny, and sings. (55)

8%

He shouts at someone, sings a goofy song, then talks funny. (73)

11%

He falls in love, talks funny, then beats up his girlfriend. (49)

7%

He talks funny, sings, shouts, and is riddled with explosive bullets in an ultraviolent bloodbath. (391)

57%

Total Votes: 686

 

8/23/99
Which phrase is annoying enough to make you go postal?


Hot/cold enough for ya? (95)

7%

You workin' hard or hardly workin'? (280)

20%

You da MAN! (208)

15%

It's all a part of this complete breakfast! (77)

5%

I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman. (160)

11%

Show me da money! (209)

15%

Created by women gynecologists. (185)

13%

Are we having fun yet?? (218)

15%

Total Votes: 1432

 

8/9/99
Fox is airing the Teen Choice Awards soon. What's the highest honor one can win at such an idiotic event?


Most Effective Use of Oxy-10 (45)

4%

Best Love Scene with an Apple Pie (156)

14%

Shrillest Whine (43)

4%

Most Uses of the Word 'Like' in a Single Sentence (256)

23%

Least Informed about Current Events (76)

7%

Shallowest Sex Symbol (173)

16%

Most Toxic Level of Angst (67)

6%

Best Meaningless Role Model for Today's Youth (294)

26%

Total Votes: 1110

 

8/2/99
What's the best name for a gay pro wrestler?


The Masked Mincer (48)

3%

Corey the Cockfighter (158)

12%

Bruce 'Ben' Dover (208)

15%

Brad the Impaler (250)

18%

Dr. Dildonic (271)

20%

Pierre the Paddler (63)

5%

Frankie 'The Fist' Felchman (129)

9%

Prince Albert (246)

18%

Total Votes: 1373

 

7/26/99
Ricky Martin is bound to be just another 'one hit wonder', if we're lucky. Who is Ricky most likely to be sharing an apartment with in six months?


The Spice Girls (164)

16%

New Kids on the Block (169)

16%

Tiffany (95)

9%

Hanson (229)

22%

Kriss Kross (72)

7%

Stacey Q (29)

3%

Milli Vanilli (163)

16%

Taco (108)

10%

Total Votes: 1029

 

7/19/99
The media's obsession with John Kennedy Jr. is absolutely staggering. What was this man's legacy to the world?


His invention of the telephone changed the world. (8)

1%

He harnessed the power of electricity. (3)

0%

His theories of relativity revolutionized mathematics. (7)

1%

He abolished slavery in America. (15)

2%

He died on the cross for our sins. (80)

10%

He built the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China. (13)

2%

He came from the future to save us from the evil Dr. Zorg. (173)

21%

He took a lot of bar exams. (514)

63%

Total Votes: 813

 

7/12/99
Which annoying phrase should be immediately erased from our language?


Sorry, my bad! (354)

17%

You wanna come with? (99)

5%

So (as in, 'You are, like, SO not gonna believe this!') (226)

11%

Get jiggy widdit! (420)

20%

Studies show... (93)

4%

Buh-bye! (119)

6%

The American people... (the favorite of politician scum) (154)

7%

You go girl! (652)

31%

Total Votes: 2117

 

7/5/99
What's your favorite media lie?


Material things bring happiness! (90)

5%

Your government really cares about you! (576)

33%

Thin & sexy makes you a better person! (322)

19%

A new car/truck/minivan sure would make life easier! (44)

3%

Take your kids to McDonald's and they won't hate you! (124)

7%

Wal-Mart sells quality stuff! (228)

13%

Republicans and Democrats are completely different! (239)

14%

You really NEED a hamburger right now... (106)

6%

Total Votes: 1729

 

6/28/99
A bunch of idiots in Congress want to amend the Constitution to ban flag burning. What do you think?


Are these people fucking insane? (224)

20%

Hey! That pesky First Amendment gives us way too much freedom. Ban the burners! (35)

3%

The flag is only a symbol of freedom. Burning it is a statement, nothing more. (79)

7%

Darn these free-speech wackos! How unpatriotic! How unamerican! Let's lynch 'em! (55)

5%

Burning the flag is just another form of protest and doesn't threaten our freedom in any way. (182)

16%

I'm deeply offended by flag-burning. Really. (120)

11%

Which part of "Congress shall make no law" don't these control-happy twits understand? (288)

26%

Who cares? I have no opinion on this. Honey, where's the remote? (146)

13%

Total Votes: 1129

 

6/21/99
What's your favorite cannibal dish?


Ten Toes Tortellini (31)

3%

Liver, Bunions & Onions (50)

5%

Breast Brisket (242)

26%

Left Brain Lasagna (65)

7%

Nose & Nipple Combo (71)

8%

Pancreas Pancakes (42)

4%

Toe-fu (71)

8%

Penis in a Blanket (369)

39%

Total Votes: 941

 

6/14/99
What scares you the most about the circus?


Caged elephants which can rampage at any moment. (46)

5%

The smell of freshly-roasted peanuts mingled with the stench of manure. (71)

7%

Women who can bend backwards at a 90-degree angle. (41)

4%

Men in tights flipping through the air 100 feet above you and pretending to enjoy it. (110)

11%

The King of the Jungle whipped and beaten down to a harmless kitten. (139)

14%

Those creepy clowns. (571)

58%

Total Votes: 978

 

6/7/99
What's your favorite roadrage-inducing bumper sticker?


My kid beat up your honor student (203)

14%

My karma ran over your dogma (90)

6%

I love animals...they're DELICIOUS! (139)

10%

I've found Him...I have Jesus in the trunk! (179)

13%

I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet (197)

14%

Honk if your horn is broken (138)

10%

Born again? MY God got it right the first time! (176)

13%

You... The case for abortion (281)

20%

Total Votes: 1403

 

5/31/99
What do you fear most when you fall asleep?


Having a large, hairy spider fall into your mouth (330)

21%

Alien abduction and anal probes (296)

19%

Waking up next to Rosie O'Donnell (312)

20%

Choking to death on a stray dust-bunny (86)

5%

Talking in your sleep about your secret diaper fetish (100)

6%

Sleeping through the final moments of the universe (117)

7%

Waking up in a bathtub full of ice with both kidneys removed (155)

10%

Having an erotic dream about Bea Arthur (173)

11%

Total Votes: 1569

 

5/24/99
What's the latest book banned from school libraries?


The Erotic Adventures of Bambi (86)

9%

Little Joey's Stinky Problem (26)

3%

The Kindergarten Guide to Explosives (111)

12%

Mommy's Little Rubber Friend (254)

27%

101 Ways to Humiliate Unpopular Kids (139)

15%

Phonics for Jocks (56)

6%

Daddy Likes to Wear Mommy's Clothes (170)

18%

Cat in the Hat Gets Neutered (102)

11%

Total Votes: 944

 

5/17/99
What do you hate the most about air travel?


The moronic speech about the high-tech intricacies of the seat belt. (99)

14%

Those absurd made-up words used by the stewardess like "deplane" and "preboard" (31)

4%

The fat dork next to you whose elbows are in your dinner. (71)

10%

The old bag on your other side who must have bathed in perfume this morning. (51)

7%

The completely phony smile the stewardess gives you when she hands you the bag of peanuts. (61)

9%

The crusty old fart who complains loudly about not being able to smoke in the terminal. (18)

3%

The guy by the window who hasn't showered in 3 months and who crawls over you every 15 minutes to use the bathroom. (136)

20%

The monster on the wing. (230)

33%

Total Votes: 697

 

5/10/99
Which celebrity looks the most like an animal?


James Carville: Ferret (52)

6%

Joan Rivers: Baboon (141)

16%

Michael Jackson: Chameleon (90)

10%

Rosie O'Donnell: Blowfish (114)

13%

Mick Jagger: Bigmouth Bass (218)

24%

Woody Allen: Praying Mantis (74)

8%

Sam Donaldson: Roadkill (68)

8%

Madonna: Beaver (146)

16%

Total Votes: 903

 

5/3/99
Since the Columbine shootings, people are talking about banning all kinds of things. What threat to our society should be banned next?


Minivans (186)

16%

Compact disc packaging (66)

6%

Internet banner ads (235)

20%

Furby (137)

12%

The Olson Twins (308)

26%

"Pepsi One" commercials (77)

7%

Pauly Shore (95)

8%

Weekly polls (65)

6%

Total Votes: 1169

 

4/26/99
If you could beam an incredibly stupid and intellectually vacant T.V. show into the homes of millions of people and make their heads explode, what would it be?


Full House (309)

31%

Cop Rock (62)

6%

Family Matters (96)

9%

The Nanny (144)

14%

Charles In Charge (64)

6%

The Rosie O'Donnell Show (147)

15%

Mad About You (63)

6%

Anything on TBN (128)

13%
Total Votes: 1013

 

4/12/99
It's trivia time! Which of these is true about me?


I have a tattoo of a pair of lips on my ass. (4)

15%

I'm severely addicted to Wendy's hamburgers. (3)

11%

I'm as gay as a $3 bill. (6)

22%

My favorite snack is a tomato and mushroom sandwich. (3)

11%

I once got drunk and ran around the forest naked. (3)

11%

I was once within 3 weeks of getting married. (2)

7%

I have a sister who works for a local T.V. station. (4)

15%

My dad, who was a D.J. in the 70's and 80's, named me after Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees. (2)

7%

Total Votes: 27

 

Trivia Answers

All of these questions (except one) are very close to being true except for one or two details, but there was only one 100% correct choice. Gee, how obvious. :-)

I have a tattoo of a pair of lips on my ass. [4 votes]
WRONG! I have absolutely no tattoos whatsoever. This is the only question that doesn't have an element of truth to it. But if I do get a tattoo someday, I have an idea where I would want it.
I'm severely addicted to Wendy's hamburgers. [2 votes]
WRONG! For the past 9 months I've been a vegetarian. Well, mostly...it wasn't until 1/99 that I went 100%. You couldn't pay me to eat one of those greasy fatburgers (from ANY restaurant), and it amazes me how many people gobble them down, sometimes daily. And people wonder why America is the Spare Tire of the planet.
I'm as gay as a $3 bill. [6 votes]
Guilty as charged. Surprised? (6 of you obviously weren't!) Actually that would make another fun poll: "How many of you honestly hadn't figured that out??"
My favorite snack is a tomato and mushroom sandwich. [3 votes]
WRONG! I may be a vegetarian, but anybody who's had dinner with me knows that there are two things I will NOT tolerate on any sandwich, in any salad, or anywhere else for that matter: raw tomatoes and mushrooms. Raw tomatoes are slimy, seedy, foul-tasting spawn of the earth, and mushrooms...well, let's just say that I'm not into fungus. If I want to eat fungus, I'll open my fridge and eat the chunk of cheese with the tufts of green hair sprouting out of it, thank you very much!
I once got drunk and ran around the forest naked. [3 votes]
WRONG! Actually this is almost true. I did get drunk in the forest with a bunch of friends once, and we DID discuss playing Naked Avengers by painting a red "A" on our chests and running thru the trees naked and screaming like a bunch of loons, but we didn't. The one girl in our group wasn't up for it, I can't imagine why... She DID oversee the Pumpkin Incident, however.
I was once within 3 weeks of getting married. [2 votes]
WRONG! It was a friend of mine who was this close to getting married before calling it off. Actually I think it was more than 3 weeks, but it was damn close nevertheless! No wife or kids for me, baby!
I have a sister who works for a local T.V. station. [4 votes]
WRONG! I don't have a sister. But I do have a brother who works for KNXV (Channel 15), the only Phoenix station that has any dignity left. Not much, but a little. If you really want to see shameless whoring for ratings and viewership, check out Channel 3. All their dignity could be contained in the miniscule tupperware of Al Gore's brain.
My dad, who was a D.J. in the 70's and 80's, named me after Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees. [2 votes]
WRONG! My dad has been a D.J. since the 60's up until a few years ago, but I was named after Barry Goldwater, the famous Arizona senator. He was a friend of my mother's side of the family.

 

4/5/99
Do these polls suck?


Yes, they're a complete waste of time. (91)

11%

No, not at all...bring us more! (273)

34%

Define "suck". (439)

55%

Total Votes: 803

 

3/29/99
What's the best-selling automobile so far this year?


The Volkswagen Slouch (6)

1%

The Mercedes Screw-You-I'm-Rich (123)

23%

The Pinto Blowabout (11)

2%

The VW Dungbeetle (75)

14%

The Ford Ultra Huge Mega Manly Roadbeast (142)

26%

The Ferrari Phallus (53)

10%

The BMW Snob (40)

7%

The Jeep Lightweight Deathtrap (93)

17%

Total Votes: 543

 

3/15/99
What quality programming is next from the folks at FOX?


When Amish Attack (162)

21%

America's Funniest Snuff Films (78)

10%

World's Messiest Bathroom Catastrophes (48)

6%

America's Most Annoying Childrens' Antics (37)

5%

Caught on Tape: Men Getting Hit in the Nuts (192)

25%

World's Wildest Police Stripsearches (114)

15%

Disembowlments '99 (23)

3%

World's Most Hilarious Mass Murders (113)

15%

Total Votes: 767

 

3/8/99
What's the top-selling porn movie among avid churchgoers?


When the Church Clothes Come Off (76)

7%

Potluck in Your Pants (202)

20%

Sodom & Gomorrah: The Movie (191)

19%

Amish Fields of Lust (142)

14%

Sinful Communion (36)

4%

Under the Robes: A Monk's Story (164)

16%

Forbidden Fruits (146)

14%

The E-Missionaries (60)

6%

Total Votes: 1017

 

3/1/99
Which new sports team would you like to see?


The New York Gibberish-Speaking Cabbies (61)

10%

The Phoenix Dirts (11)

2%

The Memphis Inbreds (128)

21%

The Miami Hurricane Carnage (10)

2%

The Hollywood Boobjobs (252)

42%

The San Diego Illegals (31)

5%

The San Fransicso Swishers (44)

7%

The Dallas Dingleberries (67)

11%

Total Votes: 604

 

2/22/99
Which would be the official Job from Hell?


Designing rollbars for wheelchairs (11)

1%

Knitting pubic wigs for the Royal Family (126)

16%

Counting the divots on each new golf ball just to make sure they're all there (150)

19%

Burning bras for lazy feminists (31)

4%

Surveying the titmouse population of Nebraska (26)

3%

Doing a door-to-door census of Beanie Babies (98)

12%

Becoming Mike Tyson's personal slap-toy (91)

11%

Writing a biography on Kathie Lee Gifford's amazingly fascinating life (274)

34%

Total Votes: 807

 

2/15/99
Jerry Falwell says Tinky Winky the Teletubby is gay.  So what's the deal with the other three?


Dipsy's a crack ho' with a murder record in seven states. (137)

20%

Laa-Laa is a wifebeater with 16 illegitimate children. (52)

8%

Po is a violent alcoholic who drinks intravenously. (44)

6%

Dipsy's into kinky sex with vegetables and furniture. (264)

39%

Laa-Laa has a stained dress in her closet. (66)

10%

Po is a lecherous televangelist. (121)

18%

Total Votes: 684

 

2/8/99
What would you rather do than watch the impeachment hearings?


Decapitate yourself with a shrimp fork. (51)

10%

Clean a public toilet with your tongue. (56)

11%

Bungee jump by your armpit hair. (33)

7%

Give yourself a root canal with a carrot peeler. (18)

4%

Visit a proctologist with poor depth perception. (34)

7%

Kiss a piranha on the lips. (17)

3%

Spontaneously combust in a fireworks factory. (43)

9%

Eat at McDonald's. (241)

49%

Total Votes: 493

 

2/1/99
What's your favorite fast food term?


Pillowy flatbread! (129)

18%

Fresh, crisp lettuce! (52)

7%

Zesty sour cream! (43)

6%

Grilled sourdough! (25)

3%

Creamy mayo! (50)

7%

Golden French fries! (132)

18%

Crispy bacon! (59)

8%

Home-style! (246)

33%

Total Votes: 736

 

1/25/99
What do you think of all this Y2K stuff?
Oh, I believe it all. I'm stockpiling weapons and freeze-dried turnips up in the hills. (141) 21%
I'm not stockpiling food, but I AM planning on hiding in the basement for a month. (11) 2%
As long as my electric shaver and my coffeemaker work, I'll live. (68) 10%
It's not as bad as they say. We don't really need all those traffic lights, do we? (31) 5%
It's gonna be bad, man... Real bad! I mean, like, the T.V. might go out and stuff! (56) 8%
Bring on the chaos, wooo-hooo! Anarchy, looting, pillaging, fornication in the streets, let's go!! (276) 42%
What's Y2K? (76) 12%

659 Total Votes

 

1/18/99
What's next on the McDonald's menu?
McMutton (47) 7%
McChickenlips (41) 6%
McRoadkill (125) 19%
McGizzards (56) 9%
McRat Fillet (73) 11%
Tofu Fries (75) 12%
Crisco Shake (64) 10%
E-Coli Poppers (166) 26%

647 Total Votes

 

1/11/99
Pepsi claims its new drink Pepsi One is "all you ever need".  Now, what is so special about this drink?
It cures cancer and AIDS. (26) 4%
It makes time travel possible. (55) 8%
It reverses the aging process. (31) 5%
It eradicates famine all over the globe. (23) 3%
It clothes the poor and shelters the homeless. (18) 3%
It forgives our sins and saves our souls. (93) 14%
It brings the dead back to life. (77) 12%
It's a soft drink. (344) 52%

667 Total Votes

 

1/4/99
The University of Arkansas is planning on building a Clinton College. What will be the most popular course taught there?
Fellatio Through History (72) 16%
Perjury: What's the Big Deal? (42) 9%
Advanced Cigar Studies (78) 17%
Creative Illegal Fundraising Methods (8) 2%
Female Anatomy (Lab) (121) 26%
Looking Good on T.V. Workshop (13) 3%
Advanced Denial and Truth Suppression (73) 16%
The Treasures of Trailer Trash (56) 12%

463 Total Votes

 

12/28/98
What's your New Year's Resolution for 1999?
I'm going to stop slashing ambulance tires. (65) 16%
I'm going to adopt a homeless howler monkey. (40) 10%
I'm going to give up snorting Wheaties. (65) 16%
I'm going to finally shave my back. (27) 6%
I'm going to take up nude bungee jumping. (63) 15%
I'm going to try the new All Lard Diet. (31) 7%
I'm going to marinate myself in steak sauce and attack a colony of fire ants. (51) 12%
I'm going to commit suicide by watching the new movie "Jack Frost". (76) 18%

418 Total Votes

 

12/21/98
If really bad singing could kill, which singer would kill you the quickest?
Katherine Hepburn (7) 1%
Fran Drescher (225) 39%
Harvey Fierstein (12) 2%
Roger Clinton (11) 2%
Roseanne (152) 27%
William Shatner (104) 18%
Joan Rivers (42) 7%
Udo Lindenberg (for you Germans!) (19) 3%

572 Total Votes

 

12/14/98
What's the least popular Christmas album this year?
"Rake on a Chalkboard: Yoko Ono"s Yuletide Singalong" (80) 18%
"A Very Yanni Christmas" (48) 11%
George Carlin: "Fuck-You Carols" (50) 11%
"The Chipmunks Christmas Album, Vol. 27" (39) 9%
Marilyn Manson: "Egg Nog of Evil" (80) 18%
"Wally the Dingo"s Didgeridoo Holiday Classics (Box Set)" (23) 5%
Alanis Morrisette: "A Betrayed and Bitter Christmas" (53) 12%
Billy Ray Cyrus: "Redneck Wonderland" (67) 15%

440 Total Votes

 

12/7/98
Which charity will you NOT be contributing to this year?
Shelter for the Battered Wealthy (53) 12%
Food Drive for the Morbidly Obese (69) 15%
The Barbra Streisand Center for Nose Reduction (36) 8%
Toys for Transients (12) 3%
The JonBenet Ramsey Sexy Makeover for Tots (139) 31%
The Linda Tripp Ice Cream Drive (22) 5%
Home for the Terminally Ugly (21) 5%
The Bill Clinton Perjury Foundation (94) 21%

446 Total Votes

 

11/30/98
Who's the best choice for TIME Magazine's 'Man of the Year'?
Janet Reno (138) 27%
Linda Tripp (77) 15%
Bea Arthur (from 'The Golden Girls') (41) 8%
Candice Gingrich (11) 2%
Rosie O'Donnell (44) 9%
Eleanor Roosevelt (19) 4%
Jenny McCarthy (70) 14%
Richard Simmons (113) 22%

513 Total Votes

 

11/23/98
What's more boring than the Ken Starr hearings?
Watching bacteria cultures grow and prosper in your yogurt (70) 12%
Sitting through 'I Still Know What You Did A Few Summers Ago, Part 3' (134) 24%
Tracing the entire groove of a record with a microscope (48) 8%
Installing Windows98 (99) 18%
Watching a fly blink (54) 10%
Reading the Braille version of "Silas Marner" (29) 5%
Watching John Glenn ride through yet another friggin' parade (67) 12%
Living in Mesa, AZ (64) 11%


565 Total Votes

 

11/16/98
What's the hottest Christmas toy this year?
Action Snails (15) 3%
Bawl 'n' Barf Suzie (24) 4%
Menopause Barbie (200) 34%
G.I. Jeff: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (87) 15%
Power Wimps (8) 1%
Baby Cry All Night (27) 5%
Monica Barbie (with kneepads!) (205) 35%
Crab Grass Kids (15) 3%

581 Total Votes

 

11/9/98
Who do you think should be the next Spice Girl?
Rosie O'Donnell as Salt-Lick Spice (58) 8%
Celine Dion as Overplayed Spice (96) 13%
Roseanne as Bitchy Spice (54) 7%
Monica Lewinsky as Cigar Spice (172) 22%
Hillary Clinton as Shredder Spice (97) 13%
Sinead O'Connor as Has-Been Spice (17) 2%
Dr. Laura as Buck-Naked Spice (128) 17%
Sandra Bernhard as Skanky Spice (144) 19%

766 Total Votes

 

11/2/98
It's an election week! Which party will screw us more?
Liberal Democrats (100) 17%
Conservative Republicans (105) 18%
Conservative Democrats (25) 4%
Liberal Republicans (31) 5%
Moderate Democrats (18) 3%
Moderate Republicans (24) 4%
They're too busy screwing each other to bother (292) 49%

595 Total Votes

 

10/26/98
Which would be the best way to get kids to eat their veggies?

Wheat grass chocolate milk (48) 14%
Spinach Pop-Tarts (71) 20%
Carrot juice cola (26) 7%
Broccoli 'n' cheese ice cream (58) 16%
Chocolate-dipped artichoke (50) 14%
Frozen asparagus pops (30) 8%
Eggplant shakes (30) 8%
Applesauce 'n' onions (42) 12%

355 Total Votes

 

10/19/98
The band Hanson is comprised of:
Girls with long blond hair (40) 6%
Girlish-looking boys with long blond hair (75) 12%
Genetically-engineered hermaphrodites with long blond hair (128) 20%
Pan-dimensional alien agents with a mission to destroy our culture with meaningless bubble-gum pop songs...with long blond hair (159) 25%
I don't know what they are, dammit! (236) 37%

638 Total Votes

 

10/12/98
If you could pick a celebrity to be dipped in gravy and thrown to a crazed pack of poodles, who would it be?
Barbra Streisand (79) 11%
Larry King (16) 2%
Rosie O'Donnell (56) 8%
Rush Limbaugh (80) 12%
Michael Bolton (38) 5%
The Olson Twins (counts as 1 person) (173) 25%
Celine Dion (130) 19%
The Taco Bell chihuahua (123) 18%

695 Total Votes

 

10/5/98
What does the popularity of the Spice Girls mean to you?
It's mindless marketing at its finest. (58) 11%
The world is completely devoid of good taste and will buy into absolutely anything. (100) 19%
Girl Power applies only to those who can really jiggle. (99) 19%
The word ENTERTAINMENT has been brought to a new low. (64) 12%
We're watching the destruction of the universe. (131) 26%
They make my life worth living! (61) 12%

513 Total Votes

 

9/28/98
Which new sport would you like to see added to the Olympics?
Distance snot-blowing (84) 9%
Speed knitting (27) 3%
Underwater hopscotch (49) 5%
Cross-country bowling (34) 4%
Nude sumo-wrestling on ice (410) 42%
Dodgeball (201) 21%
Marathon Nintendo (76) 8%
High-impact napping (86) 9%

967 Total Votes

 

9/21/98
What's the best title for Ken Starr's report?
"Raging Bill" (19) 6%
"Libido Lambada" (20) 6%
"The Commander In Heat" (44) 13%
"A Wad of Bill's" (60) 18%
"Death Blow" (21) 6%
"Close But No Cigar" (71) 21%
"It's Only Ranch Dip, Honey!" (35) 10%
"Would I Lie to You?" (68) 20%

338 Total Votes

 

9/14/98
By watching the media coverage of Mark McGwire's new home run record, one might think he is:
Einstein reborn (5) 1%
Galileo reborn (5) 1%
Michelangelo reborn (5) 1%
Jesus reborn (44) 11%
The sixth Spice Girl (93) 23%
Just another overpaid athlete on steroids (248) 62%

400 Total Votes

 

9/7/98
What was REALLY spilled on Monica Lewinsky's blouse?
Ranch dip (90) 13%
Alfredo sauce (113) 17%
Mayonnaise (167) 25%
Cream o' Feta soup (140) 21%
Toothpaste (164) 24%

674 Total Votes

(c) 1994-2002 Total Obscurity