Television Highlights of Weeks Past
...in case you're wondering what you missed!

(You'll quickly notice that these were written several years ago, but I still think they're worth a look.  There was a lot of evil cackling while writing these!)

 

NBC

Elian's Underwear Size: An Investigative Report

 

WB Network

Cute & Stupid: The Show

CBS

Night of a Thousand Annoying Celebrities

 

The Learning Channel

The Sexual Applications of Lightning

ABC

Movie: "This Bonehead Earth"

 

Cooking Channel

The Delicious, Versatile Scorpion

FOX

U.S. Navy Drag Party LIVE!

 

E! Entertainment

John Travolta: What a Putz

MTV

Rapper Gangsta Shootout 2000

 

ESPN

Football: A Homoerotic Wonderland

PBS

Teletubbies: Po Gets Poked

 

History Channel

Stupid Mistakes of the Greeks

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

The Stock Market Secrets of Fatima

 

CNN

News You'll Believe...Or Else

The Travel Network

The Whorehouses of Vatican City

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Dr. Kervorkian's Drip-O-Rama

 

WB Network

Gorgeous Teens Who Have It All And Still Aren't Happy

CBS

Who Wants To Be A Dumbass?

 

Home & Garden

Open Your Home to the Cuddly Black Widow

ABC

Movie: Barbra Streisand in "The Mirror Has Two Noses"

 

Cooking Channel

Tofurky: Godsend or Pure Evil?

FOX

When Colons Blow IV

 

Golf Channel

How to Kill with a Nine Iron

MTV

Horny Teens on the Beach Having Sex and Getting Stoned '99

 

ESPN

When Good Bonfires Go Bad

PBS

Special: "Barney Explores Male Companionship"

 

History Channel

The Caveman Mafia

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

Doctor Do Da, the Gospel Clown

 

CNN

World News: Can You Believe This Shit?

The Nashville
Network

Alan Jackson Live: "Ain't Evolved No Thumb"

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Judy Tenuta Live: "Un-Buttplugged in Tex-Ass"

 

WB Network

Rich White Kids with Dating Problems

CBS

Movie: "The Yoko Ono Story" (earplugs recommended)

 

Home & Garden

Growing Marijuana for Fun and Profit

ABC

Barbara Walters Interviews Herself

 

Cooking Channel

The Miracle of Bacon Bits

FOX

World's Grossest Abortions 3

 

Golf Channel

Big Sticks, Little Balls

MTV

Gangsta Death Metal Hour

 

ESPN

Remedial Reading for Football Players

PBS

Jar Jar's Hut-O-Fun

 

History Channel

Special: "Frat Parties of Ancient Sumer"

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

You Suck, Sinner!

 

CNN

News from Somewhere You've Never Heard Of

The Nashville
Network

Live: Billy Bob and the Inbreds

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Special: "How Marijuana Kills" (Sponsored by Marlboro & Budweiser)

 

E! Entertainment

James Cameron's Rampaging Ego: Can It Be Stopped?

CBS

Lifestyles of the Middle Class and Marginally Interesting

 

Home & Garden

The Art of the Poison Ivy Mudbath

ABC

The Olson Twins All-Star Pajama Party

 

Arts & Entertainment

Why Tornadoes Suck

FOX

COPS: Donut Shop Raids

 

Golf Channel

Better Strokes for Your Putts

MTV

The Real World VIII: In Rwanda

 

ESPN

Cleats in the Crotch: Horror Stories from the Field

PBS

Stiff Brits in Suits Read the News in the Drollest Tone Possible

 

History Channel

Benjamin Franklin: Inventor, Philosopher, Randy Old Bastard

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

Sermon: "God is all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-powerful. And he needs your money!"

 

CNN

Hillary's NY Apartment Hunt
(LIVE coverage, Week 2)

The Nashville
Network

Distance Chew Spittin'

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Special: "Why This Century Sucked"

 

E! Entertainment

Steven Segal: Master Thespian

CBS

America's Messiest Bathroom Catastrophes

 

Home & Garden

Cooking With Caterpillars

ABC

Movie: "It Came From Mesa"

 

Arts & Entertainment

Documentary: "The Fascinating Life of Planarians"

FOX

Toothless Hicks in Handcuffs

 

Golf Channel

Great Places to Stick a Club

MTV

Dumbing-Down Hour (Sponsored by Budweiser)

 

ESPN

Live: High-Impact Napping

PBS

Performace Art Nobody Understands

 

History Channel

Political Corruption of the Past, Part 27

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

Jesus Didn't Hate Queers, But We Do

 

CNN

Congressional Debate: Should Human Clones Be Cloned?

The Nashville
Network

Garth Brooks' Hip-Hop Linedancing Hour

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Movie: "Woman Stalked by Crazy Guy"

 

E! Entertainment

Why Good Breasts Go Bad

CBS

Miss Pregnant Teen USA Awards

 

Home & Garden

Knitting the Perfect Navel Lint Sweater

ABC

Life & Times of JFK Jr., Part 7

 

Arts & Entertainment

Alan Alda's Wacky Universe

FOX

When Zoologists Attack

 

Golf Channel

Golf Cart Dragracing

MTV

Like, Videos and Stuff

 

ESPN

Killin' Stuff for Fun

PBS

Laurie Anderson's Difficult Poetry Hour

 

History Channel

Famous Whores of the Civil War

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

Our God Kicks Your God's Ass

 

CNN

Report: JFK Jr. is Probably Dead

The Nashville
Network

Alan Jackson Live: "Knee-Deep in Cowshit"

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

 

NBC

Naked Fat Chicks on Ice

 

E! Entertainment

Why Celebrities are Better than You

CBS

Movie: "The JonBenet Ramsey Story"

 

Home & Garden

Why Your Garden Looks Like Shit

ABC

A "Full House" Reunion

 

Arts & Entertainment

Some Acclaimed Movie Nobody's Ever Seen

FOX

America's Funniest Snuff Films

 

Golf Channel

Coots in Knickers

MTV

Dorks on the Road with Cameras

 

ESPN

Cross Country Ballroom Dancing

PBS

The Worst Artwork Your Taxes Can Buy

 

History Channel

The Scandalous Life of Thomas Jefferson's Cat

Trinity Broadcasting
Network

YOU! HELL! NOW!

 

CNN

LIVE! Reports from Some Foreign Country

The Nashville
Network

The 30th Annual Beans 'n' Beer Fart-A-Thon

 

Telemundo

LIVE! Dancing & Singing Onstage

1999-2000 by Barry Lancaster